You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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