I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
