She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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