Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
