There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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