It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
