She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
