thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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