The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
