did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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