Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
