yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
