I have demons in me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
