I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
