haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
