I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
two words...techno handjob
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
