I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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