Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
