I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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