i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
