I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
