How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
