I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it glows. i had to have it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
