I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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