I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
