i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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