I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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