The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
