Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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