Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
