Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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