That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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