So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
