im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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