Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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