i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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