My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
