Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
