I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize