theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
