Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
