mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
