I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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