I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
whose parrot is this?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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