He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
