he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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