she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
