Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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