Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
