I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
