I faked an abortion last night.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize