omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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