At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
