I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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