tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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