he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
