I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
