So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
