I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
