God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
